just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
