thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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