Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
