Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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