you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
