i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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