Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
