I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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