What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
