all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
