U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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