I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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