I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
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