Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
