I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
