just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
