my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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