The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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