My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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