just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
