So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
