Already got asked if we're dating
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Randomize
