Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Found the puke drawer
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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