im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
