The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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