u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
There are leaves in my underwear?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
