Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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