If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Randomize
