Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.