I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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