nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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