What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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