I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
