My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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