I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
