Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
