broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job