Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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