The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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