I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
