I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
