I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
