I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
