I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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