you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
