we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
