seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
