I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
