I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Randomize
