Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
