Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
