guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize
