we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
My bed smells like the plague
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
