Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
