I need to stop coming to work sober
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
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