Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
