goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
