i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
