im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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