M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize