I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
